***WARNING:  I swear a bit in this post.***

It’s confession time.  I am horrible about speaking about my awesomeness.

Now, while I am pretty damn awesome, for me to transfer that awesomeness into resume-format without sounding like a completely self-absorbed douchebag is escaping me.

Here’s another confession:  I don’t like attention drawn to myself.

Yeah – I know.  I have a blog.  You’re welcome to make the O.o face right now.  I know, I get it…., “But Sarah, you have a blog that is open to the public and anyone can read it, so therefore you are drawing attention to yourself.”  But am I really?  I only try to draw attention when I go on Twitter and send out messages like “Go read my blog because I’m AWESOME”, and when I type those messages, I’m giggling like a maniacal idiot thinking, “if they only knew how much a lot of attention freaks me out!”  So, yeah – I’ve pondered this whole enigma.

Which reminds me… I often describe myself as a “Riddle wrapped in a conundrum inside an enigma”.

Anyway.  Resumes.  I hate writing them.  I have to explain words like “coordinated” rather than just say I coordinated something.  Who doesn’t know what coordinated means?  I mean really!  (I said that all exasperated-like in my head.)

So, I have to painfully spell-out all of these accomplishments for people who apparently have no idea what “coordinated” means.  I am proud of my accomplishments.  Really!  But, for resumes you’re supposed to frame them in the way of “I’m so awesome that I rescued the puppy from the well and it was accomplished because I’m so awesome at tying knots in ropes and the results were everyone praising my awesomeness because I rescued the puppy from the well and they could snuggle with it.”  I hate that.  Resumes draw attention to me and I’d rather attention focus my accomplishments as they are infinitely more impressive.  (Introvert & Type C personality trait!)

I’m a “Doer”.  A Wheel-greaser.  I’m a behind-the-scenes, or at the front desks, kind of person that makes sure shit operates just like it should.  Copier jammed?  Out of toner?  I got that!  Multi-line phone system operation?  I got that!  Need to take a baseball bat to someone’s vehicle so they pay up?  I’m your lady!  Filing and data entry?  I got that, too!

Meetings?  I don’t got that.  I hate meetings.  My experience with meetings has been lots of talking with little said and nothing accomplished other than my feeling the need to go beat my head against a wall until I pass out.  I also hate “pow-wows”, “brain-storming sessions” and “drum circles”.  Get your shit together, tell me what you want done and let me DO IT.

I realize that I sound like the world’s worst employee, however, employers don’t seem to like it if I leave.  Reason?  I get shit done!  I don’t like to stand around socializing at the water cooler with fellow employees (most fellow employees that is) because… I don’t care.  I won’t elaborate on that; I’m there to work – not be everyone’s best friend.  (I DO make friends at the office… just, not many close friends.)

So, back to this resume-writing.  How to not sound like a self-absorbed douchebag or an anti-social recluse yet still prove my awesomeness as a kick-ass employee is escaping me.  I can’t exactly write an Objective of:  I would like to be hired by a company that keeps me busy, paid and isn’t populated with asshole micro-managing supervisors that drive me to drink excessively as soon as I get home.

That just won’t do on a resume.