Frustration has a name. It is called “Resume”.

***WARNING:  I swear a bit in this post.***

It’s confession time.  I am horrible about speaking about my awesomeness.

Now, while I am pretty damn awesome, for me to transfer that awesomeness into resume-format without sounding like a completely self-absorbed douchebag is escaping me.

Here’s another confession:  I don’t like attention drawn to myself.

Yeah – I know.  I have a blog.  You’re welcome to make the O.o face right now.  I know, I get it…., “But Sarah, you have a blog that is open to the public and anyone can read it, so therefore you are drawing attention to yourself.”  But am I really?  I only try to draw attention when I go on Twitter and send out messages like “Go read my blog because I’m AWESOME”, and when I type those messages, I’m giggling like a maniacal idiot thinking, “if they only knew how much a lot of attention freaks me out!”  So, yeah – I’ve pondered this whole enigma.

Which reminds me… I often describe myself as a “Riddle wrapped in a conundrum inside an enigma”.

Source: ruthrutherford.wordpress.com

Source: ruthrutherford.wordpress.com

Anyway.  Resumes.  I hate writing them.  I have to explain words like “coordinated” rather than just say I coordinated something.  Who doesn’t know what coordinated means?  I mean really!  (I said that all exasperated-like in my head.)

So, I have to painfully spell-out all of these accomplishments for people who apparently have no idea what “coordinated” means.  I am proud of my accomplishments.  Really!  But, for resumes you’re supposed to frame them in the way of “I’m so awesome that I rescued the puppy from the well and it was accomplished because I’m so awesome at tying knots in ropes and the results were everyone praising my awesomeness because I rescued the puppy from the well and they could snuggle with it.”  I hate that.  Resumes draw attention to me and I’d rather attention focus my accomplishments as they are infinitely more impressive.  (Introvert & Type C personality trait!)

I’m a “Doer”.  A Wheel-greaser.  I’m a behind-the-scenes, or at the front desks, kind of person that makes sure shit operates just like it should.  Copier jammed?  Out of toner?  I got that!  Multi-line phone system operation?  I got that!  Need to take a baseball bat to someone’s vehicle so they pay up?  I’m your lady!  Filing and data entry?  I got that, too!

Source: philliesphollowers.mlblogs.com

Source: philliesphollowers.mlblogs.com

Meetings?  I don’t got that.  I hate meetings.  My experience with meetings has been lots of talking with little said and nothing accomplished other than my feeling the need to go beat my head against a wall until I pass out.  I also hate “pow-wows”, “brain-storming sessions” and “drum circles”.  Get your shit together, tell me what you want done and let me DO IT.

I realize that I sound like the world’s worst employee, however, employers don’t seem to like it if I leave.  Reason?  I get shit done!  I don’t like to stand around socializing at the water cooler with fellow employees (most fellow employees that is) because… I don’t care.  I won’t elaborate on that; I’m there to work – not be everyone’s best friend.  (I DO make friends at the office… just, not many close friends.)

So, back to this resume-writing.  How to not sound like a self-absorbed douchebag or an anti-social recluse yet still prove my awesomeness as a kick-ass employee is escaping me.  I can’t exactly write an Objective of:  I would like to be hired by a company that keeps me busy, paid and isn’t populated with asshole micro-managing supervisors that drive me to drink excessively as soon as I get home.

That just won’t do on a resume.

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About The Amusing Muse

Deep thinker whose mind operates at warped speed. Philosopher pondering the big (and little) things in life. Storyteller. Office Ninja. Model. Teller of bad jokes. User of big words.
This entry was posted in Blogging, Musings, Personal, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Frustration has a name. It is called “Resume”.

  1. I hate resumes. I hate everything about writing resumes. I hate resumes. Did I mention I hate resumes? Anyways I was recently updating mine and for inspiration came across a book “Unbeatable Resumes.” As skeptical as I was about this book it did serves up good tidbits of advice for putting it all together.

  2. I hate resume’s or CVs as we tend to call them here. I also dislike attention in person most of the time so you have my sympathy.

  3. aging cowgirl says:

    You know what???…. Just the facts resumes interest just the facts employers. If you have to explain it all to them, they’ll probably micromanage enough to drive you both insane. Good luck!

  4. Stephanie says:

    Ha! I love this and completely relate to all of it. You sound like my kind of people. If you happen to live in Vancouver and have any accounting experience, my team will have an opening sometime in August.

  5. Stephanie says:

    Oh yeah, do! Agencies are the best. They look for jobs for you and then you just have to show up for interviews.

  6. Pingback: The Food and Wine Hedonist requires a response! | musingsoftheamusingmuse

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