***WARNING: I swear a bit in this post.***
It’s confession time. I am horrible about speaking about my awesomeness.
Now, while I am pretty damn awesome, for me to transfer that awesomeness into resume-format without sounding like a completely self-absorbed douchebag is escaping me.
Here’s another confession: I don’t like attention drawn to myself.
Yeah – I know. I have a blog. You’re welcome to make the O.o face right now. I know, I get it…., “But Sarah, you have a blog that is open to the public and anyone can read it, so therefore you are drawing attention to yourself.” But am I really? I only try to draw attention when I go on Twitter and send out messages like “Go read my blog because I’m AWESOME”, and when I type those messages, I’m giggling like a maniacal idiot thinking, “if they only knew how much a lot of attention freaks me out!” So, yeah – I’ve pondered this whole enigma.
Which reminds me… I often describe myself as a “Riddle wrapped in a conundrum inside an enigma”.
Anyway. Resumes. I hate writing them. I have to explain words like “coordinated” rather than just say I coordinated something. Who doesn’t know what coordinated means? I mean really! (I said that all exasperated-like in my head.)
So, I have to painfully spell-out all of these accomplishments for people who apparently have no idea what “coordinated” means. I am proud of my accomplishments. Really! But, for resumes you’re supposed to frame them in the way of “I’m so awesome that I rescued the puppy from the well and it was accomplished because I’m so awesome at tying knots in ropes and the results were everyone praising my awesomeness because I rescued the puppy from the well and they could snuggle with it.” I hate that. Resumes draw attention to me and I’d rather attention focus my accomplishments as they are infinitely more impressive. (Introvert & Type C personality trait!)
I’m a “Doer”. A Wheel-greaser. I’m a behind-the-scenes, or at the front desks, kind of person that makes sure shit operates just like it should. Copier jammed? Out of toner? I got that! Multi-line phone system operation? I got that! Need to take a baseball bat to someone’s vehicle so they pay up? I’m your lady! Filing and data entry? I got that, too!
Meetings? I don’t got that. I hate meetings. My experience with meetings has been lots of talking with little said and nothing accomplished other than my feeling the need to go beat my head against a wall until I pass out. I also hate “pow-wows”, “brain-storming sessions” and “drum circles”. Get your shit together, tell me what you want done and let me DO IT.
I realize that I sound like the world’s worst employee, however, employers don’t seem to like it if I leave. Reason? I get shit done! I don’t like to stand around socializing at the water cooler with fellow employees (most fellow employees that is) because… I don’t care. I won’t elaborate on that; I’m there to work – not be everyone’s best friend. (I DO make friends at the office… just, not many close friends.)
So, back to this resume-writing. How to not sound like a self-absorbed douchebag or an anti-social recluse yet still prove my awesomeness as a kick-ass employee is escaping me. I can’t exactly write an Objective of: I would like to be hired by a company that keeps me busy, paid and isn’t populated with asshole micro-managing supervisors that drive me to drink excessively as soon as I get home.
That just won’t do on a resume.