Gifts I didn’t know I needed or wanted until TV told me so

Many of you reading this might be aware that we’re currently, presently, in the month of December.  December 2012… in fact, according to naysayers and dooms-dayers, our lives are but a flash in the pan and will be over with in 16 days (that whole Mayan end of the world business).

Now, I’m more of a glass-half-full kind of person, so in the spirit of positivity, I’m offering up some last-minute gift ideas (in case you wanted to know what to send me… money is always good…. or iTunes gift cards…. gluten, dairy and soy-free foodstuffs… or adult beverages).  These are super fantastic things that I never knew I wanted until TV told me I did.  Damn you TV!

total-pillowThe Total Pillow – I like support!  I like an aligned spine!  I like five pillows in one!  You can’t go WRONG!  They’ll double your order!!!  One for you – one for your loved one (that’s me…. remember).  How are you not jumping at this deal!?  It’s the perfect stocking stuffer, well… wait – I HAVE a stocking that it’ll fit in!  HOORAY ME!

free flexorThe Free Flexor   Think “Shake Weight” but different.  They might advertise this gadget for men, but I think it’s fun for the whole family.  Who doesn’t want bigger biceps and triceps?  Just think of the hours of enjoyment you’ll be providing me as I grip that shaft firmly in my hot, little hands and twirl away!

shake-weightThe Shake Weight – Summer is just around the corner!  I’ll be in the Caribbean in two months!  I need to lose my flab and jiggle!!  I need to be ready for the beach and those sleeveless tops and dresses.  I could accomplish this in only six minutes a day!  The Shake Weight makes another excellent stocking stuffer!  However, according to South Park…. well, you should just watch the video.  “Thanks, Shake Weight”

pi_16661Suck & Blow Jello Shots I like jello.  I like adult beverages.  I like jello shots.  I also like my friends and who wouldn’t want to share a Sucked and Blown Jello Shot with me?  I don’t have cooties.  Hmm… I wonder if there is an issue of “back wash” on these?

PSthumbWithLogoThe Peeper Stopper; which then led me to looking if you really COULD look through a peephole the reverse way.  Apparently you can!  And you can pick up the nifty lock pick beginner’s kit while you’re there!  I travel and I wasn’t aware that I needed to stop peepers from peering into my peep-hole (man, there is just no way to make that not sound perverted… okay, there is but I’m not going to do that to you readers).  Another super fantastic stocking stuffer!

waxvac-productThe Wax Vac!  “Say ‘Good Bye’ to cotton swabs!”  I’m not too sure about the Wax Vac because I don’t think it’ll give me that same, drool-inducing feeling of the cotton swab rotating against my ear drum causing me to nearly pound the floor with my foot like Thumper the rabbit.  And, wouldn’t there be a danger of it sucking my ear drum out?  I’m guessing that they’ve tested the safety on this and it even comes with color-coded tips!  Everyone in the family can use it!

And now, for the pièce de résistance…

wine-bottle-glassThe Full Bottle Wine Glass.  Oh yes.  I HAD to go here.  I HAD to suggest it because I didn’t know it existed until TV told me so!  My first words were, “Such a thing exists?!  How come no one told me?!”  Dear Readers… if someone gets me one of these (and of course, a really good bottle of wine to pour into it) – I’ll take a picture of me drinking out of it AND post it on my site.

Of course, I realize that for anyone to actually send me anything, I’d have to give out my address – which isn’t happening.  Or I get a PO Box… and that takes money and motivation.  I’m lacking both – Christmas shopping wiped out both of those things. Well, I might be inspired for the Full Bottle Wine Glass…

Happy Christmas Shopping!

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About The Amusing Muse

Deep thinker whose mind operates at warped speed. Philosopher pondering the big (and little) things in life. Storyteller. Office Ninja. Model. Teller of bad jokes. User of big words.
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6 Responses to Gifts I didn’t know I needed or wanted until TV told me so

  1. Where does one even begin….dear lord. The Wax Vac is by far the most disgusting. I know so many people who could use that wine glass and we can never go down the Shake Weight’s exercise porn.

    • Yeah, I agree with you on the Wax Vac. I don’t watch much TV, but I saw that the other night and I sat in abject horror, mouth agape. I need to give the actors in the commercial some credit because they were SO enthusiastic about it. Gross. Just… no. I really am going to stick with putting blunt, cotton-tipped sticks in my ears because it feels so good.

      The wine glass? I hope people took me seriously on that one – that’s useful right there, I don’t care who you are. Of course if I have one, my friends will all want one and then there will be a fight over the glass… mayhem will ensue.

      Shake Weight… *clears my throat* that and the Free Flexor are…. yeah. If the people who “invented” those things read this, I’m going to say that I want to have IN DEPTH interviews with them about how they came up with the ideas. And frankly, the Free Flexor looks like it needs Viagra.

  2. I won’t be shopping until after the 21st. Then I can get crappy gifts and use the end of the world excuse. And the glass that hold a bottle, well, I held one or more full bottles and am less breakable. But then, who wants a wobbly glass that talks incoherently (sometimes quite ranuchy) and could spill at any time.

    • First of all – no crappy gifts allowed. I received one once and hid it in the back of the closet for a couple years until I deemed it safe to donate to Goodwill because chances are I wouldn’t get asked about it. As for wobbly glasses that hold entire bottles of wine? As long as the spilling is kept to a minimum and the conversation is raunchy (fun in the right company) – I say bring it on!

  3. All I know is that now I have Cartman yelling, ‘BEEFCAKE!’ in my head.
    So… that… is happening.

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