If you had to change your name, what name would you choose?

Now, firstly, I think we should visit WHY I have to change my name in the first place…

Picture it (I sound like “Sophia” from the Golden Girls)… Madison, 2o12.

Anyway… I was innocently parked at a stoplight, waiting to get myself moving on the Beltline, when suddenly I find my passenger window smashed in and skeevy-looking woman crawling in brandishing a knife and demanding that I drive her to the nearest bank.     before I know it, she reaches across and hits the lock on the driver’s side door, and in the back hop three more terrifyingly butch women.

“The nearest bank!?” I utter and my mind goes blank.  She sticks the point of the knife menacingly in my throat and tells me that if I don’t move “right now” that she’ll cut me where I sit.  I hit the gas and drive.

I remember that there is a bank at the next exit, and turn off the highway, hoping that someone near my at the light has called the police to end this whole thing soon.  I look in my mirrors but don’t see anyone trailing.  Disheartened I pull into the bank parking lot.

The leader of this group of fiends presses the blade to my neck again, telling me if I move before she tells me to, she’ll kill me.  Visions of my friends, family and DH fill my mind and I fight back the tears.  I’m getting angry, but that’s a big knife right at my throat.

The accomplices come running out of the bank, screaming at me to drive and I put the car in reverse and head back out to the highway….

… I was tired, it was late, my phone had rung but this mad woman had tossed it out of the window of the car.  That bitch.  I had good pictures on there.

For some crazy reason the police hadn’t caught up yet and I wanted them to catch us.  We were heading to Canada on the North Shore Highway.  I’d been driving for 7 hours.  I got them to stop for gas once, but they wouldn’t even let me pee.  I hate them.

We were about to cross the border into Thunder Bay when the RCMP stopped us.

Apparently they’d received the APB.  I felt a knife in my side coming from the back.  I didn’t dare move.  They asked me for my name and I knew I was screwed… if I gave my real name these maniacal women would know it…. and so, I said:

My name is… Brandy Glitterpants!

And then all hell broke loose.  There was something about showing ID, the crazy bank robbing bitches jumped out, I didn’t move… you know, the RCMP was standing right there.  The other women were caught… I got my story told and straightened out – though they did strip and body cavity search me; at least they used lube.  I was released and got to go home.

…I miss my phone.