Love and pretzels? Milk-a-what?! (I love that e-Trade commercial) Yes, love and pretzels. I came up with that analogy when I was driving to my photo shoot in Milwaukee on the 18th. I think pretzels are a fitting comparison for love. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked, it’s because pretzels come in all kinds of different forms, shapes and sizes. Pretzels aren’t a one-size-fits-all (which is what those bible-thumping Republican theologians would have us all believe… political rant done) snack, and love isn’t one-size-fits-all either. So, now I shall extol for a bit on my analogy of Love and Pretzels. Okay, before you read on, I’m sure I’m going to offend SOMEONE with this.
On the straight and narrow rod
I compare rods and sticks to traditional heterosexual relationships. Rods are tasty. Some are big, some are small. The nice thing about rods is that they are easily handled, and can be dipped into other tasty things. I like rods better than sticks. They’re more satisfying. MWAHHHH ha ha ha. Okay, let me get control of my thoughts. There. I think I got a handle on them. MWAHHHH ha ha ha. Nope… not yet. Well shit. I’m stuck in an infinite loop of naughtiness. Oh well. I’ll try to rein it in.
I like nuggets, they’re irregular. They are life’s little random loves. They tend to come in a variety of flavors, they’re small and you can pop ’em in your mouth. If I was Chelsea Handler, which I’m not, I’d think of Nuggets in a completely different way (if you’re a little person, PLEASE have a good sense of humor)… My point with pretzels and love and nuggets is that good things come in small packages. More than a mouthful is a waste? (okay, you have to laugh just a little bit at that one)
The circle of love
Circular pretzels… they’re, interesting, and I compare them to lesbians. I’m not really a fan, not that I don’t like lesbians… I’m just not one. They’re okay, and they’ll satisfy in a pinch I suppose, but they aren’t really my thing. I tend to find these in a snack mix with a lot of garlic. I prefer rye chips to circular pretzels. When I bite into one, I can only make a “C” shape. *sigh*
The twisted braids of love.
The pretzel braids. At first, they appear to be like any other stick or rod. Straight and narrow, but they’re twisted. These are the gay men of pretzel love. I like braids. They’re fashionable. They bring interest to a party. They go with everything.
The “traditional” twist
Here is where it gets interesting; the traditional pretzel twist is probably the least traditional when it comes to love, and probably why I like it so much. You bite into one side and you have something completely different from what you started with and it changes with each bite. I, personally, like to bite off the curved sides first, then the curved bottom, and then each leg of the ‘Y’ that’s left in turn. It’s my method. Sometimes though I eat them whole.
So where am I going with this? Love comes in different shapes and sizes, and we all have our preferences, but ultimately a pretzel is a pretzel, therefore, love is love. You can have it plain or candy-coated, covered in salt or sesame seeds and even dip them in melted cheese, but it doesn’t matter the shape it comes in or what’s on it, because underneath it’s all the same.