I’m falling apart! Eh, I’ll just have a drink.

It occurred to me this evening that there is a whole lot going on in my life that would cause a lot of people to flip-the-fuck-out.  Me?  Eh…. it is what it is.  But as I grazed on my steak salad for dinner, sipping my gin & tonic and caught up with the events of the day I thought of these things:

  • I’m working a full time job where I’m around people constantly and basically I went from being alone 80% of my waking hours to only 15% of my waking hours.  I like people, but they all just need to GO AWAY for 80% of my waking hours.
  • I have one cat with Renal Disease who has decided to pee in the bathtub from time to time, perhaps because the tub is closer to where he is at that moment than the litterbox.  Better the tub than the carpet, but still.
  • The other cat is dealing with seasonal allergies.  She’s itchy constantly, has scratched herself raw and is puking up hairballs in delightful shapes on the carpet… the couch… the loveseat… all because she’s grooming herself (and she’s got long hair) more than normal.  It’s great.
  • It’s hot.  And humid.
  • I moderate a model education forum on Facebook and am essentially a “Babysitter”… and I have to make sure people play nice and by the rules.  These are supposed to be adults.  Adults – they can be worse than kids…
  • (Insert item I can’t speak/write here.)
  • Syria.  And a friend in the military who…. I can’t write about anything lest The Suits show up at the front door and drag me out in my Stewie Griffin pajamas.  I don’t know nothin’.  No really, haven’t heard from the friend since this all began.
  • I have a pimple… and it hurts.  And I’m 37 and this is TOTALLY not fair!  Maybe it’s because I still eat cheese and I’m lactose intolerant?  Sonofa…!!!
  • My eyes are bloodshot and my under-eyes are turning dark because of seasonal allergies.  However, I giggle every morning when I take my snort of Veramyst in the bathroom and rub my finger under my nose because it looks like it came straight out of a movie where someone was snorting coke*.
  • Apathy becomes me.  No really – I don’t give a shit.  That’s what made me great at collections when I did that and what made me great at getting people to send in paperwork today.  I don’t care about the sob stories.
  • I really DO give a shit for some people.  Some.  Not everyone.  I’m not completely heartless.  I should know, my heart has been worked on twice – I’ve seen it on the operating room monitors.  (PS – those drugs are good.)
  • I get my eyebrows “did” tomorrow… which always makes my eyes water and I walk out looking like a hot mess with runny mascara.
  • My interdigital hair is growing back.
  • So is my mustache.**

But you know what?  I stopped eating tons of Peanut M&Ms all day at work.  I’ve gone the whole week (so far) without eating a single one.  And that makes everything okay.

These ramblings have been brought to you by…. oh, they’ve just been rattling around in my head for the last hour and needed to be let out to romp.

*I’ve never done coke/cocaine.

**Yes, women get facial hair – and yes, some of us just shave it off.  Is the mystery from our relationship gone?

P.S. – as I was reviewing this post, my gin & tonic attacked me.

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About The Amusing Muse

Deep thinker whose mind operates at warped speed. Philosopher pondering the big (and little) things in life. Storyteller. Office Ninja. Model. Teller of bad jokes. User of big words.
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11 Responses to I’m falling apart! Eh, I’ll just have a drink.

  1. Stephanie says:

    I like this post. But why don’t you just not wear mascara to the eyebrow place?

  2. Stewie Griffin jammers? Really? That fu*kin rocks. Black shiny FBI shoes…(opening line of a Tom Wolfe book, can you guess it?). Running mascara is…well…ahem….right then. It’s nice to know you do give a !&^%$ about a few folks. I was told that I may want to remove the IDGAF desktop wallpaper from my system at work. Thank gawd that G and T performed some consensual/non consent activity…

    • OMG! I read this and have a BIG, HUGE BELLY LAUGH! (and a little bit of applause). Damn right I have Stewie Griffin pajamas… two different pairs of pants at that. I am Pro-Stewie.

      And hey, I might have been called a “Frigid Bitch” by a few people in the past, but obviously they couldn’t get me to care.

  3. It could be worse – I have a friend whose diabetic cat poops in his bed. (Maybe why I stick to dogs – all mine has ever brought me is a dead squirrel with a boner – but that’s another story) 🙂

    • OMG! I would be furious!! As it is, the cats are now closed off from the bedrooms areas – I’m tired of having my bed puked on.

      And squirrel with a boner? Ohhhh, you HAVE to tell that story.

      • Last summer I came home late from work, it was a hot night and my husband had left the back door of the house open.The door opens onto a large deck frequented by squirrels – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

        I opened the front door. My dog (boxer) was splayed there chewing what I thought was one of her stuffed toys.I flicked on the light and started screaming – a dead squirrel lay on it’s back, one arm missing, and the pinkest squirrel boner pointing directly at me.(according to my brother, a trapper; and that’s another story, the boner happens when an animal’s back is broken in a certain place) The dog was pissed when my son got rid of boner squirrel – since then she has deposited a dead rat on my bedroom floor, killed another squirrel, and been sprayed twice by skunks.

        Vancouver has lots of rats, squirrels, raccoons, and coyotes.One day a big ass rat got into the house (I think through the cat door the previous owner installed) I saw it in the bedroom, freaked out and called my husband at work to hysterically report the rat invader.His simple response “what do you think I can do about it?” calmed me down enough to take matters into my own hands. It had crawled under a newspaper beside the bed – I ran outside and grabbed a cinder block from the garden – screaming like a ninny I gauged the proper distance above the newspapers and let the cinder block fly – proudly calling my husband back to tell him he had “flat rat” to deal with when he got home 🙂

  4. aging cowgirl says:

    Tough stretch brought to exaggeration by “it’s not the heat, its the humidity”! In a month it will all be better and you’ll be busy canning tomatoes – did our first batch of spaghetti sauce yesterday. I gave you those groovy pj’s – we’re good! Love you lots…

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