I put the binders away. I cleaned up my desk. Recycled the scratch paper. Then, I finished reading the textbook I had to return. The semester had ended and as I was clearing out the detritus from the semester, I had a word pop into my head: Eventually.
There is a lot of weight behind the word. Eventually, you’ll grow up. Eventually, you’ll travel. Eventually, you’ll make friends.
On my mind that day was, “Eventually, I’ll finish school.” This is not to say I haven’t been enjoying school. To be honest, I find I discover new things about myself all the time in school. I took Economics this past semester and discovered that I truly enjoyed it. I’d never taken an economics course before and I found that in my mid-40’s, so many news stories from the past made sense. A whole lot made sense.
I also discovered that things I thought I new about accounting in the first semesters are more nuanced than the first classes let on and I need more time learning about them. I learned, again, that despite my seemingly boundless patience for some things, I’m highly impatient when it comes to others – like being made to work at a slower pace than I would choose.
Eventually, I learned that even though I wasn’t burning my candle at both ends, holding a blow torch to the wick is not the best use of my time. I learned that even though I want to improve my Spanish, continue learning Swedish, write stories, write essays, grow my garden, quilt and sew, crochet, bake, and win all the scenarios of Tropico: Pirate Cove, I only have so many hours in the day. Picking and choosing was realized… eventually.
And, despite all that *gestures to the above*, I learned a lot of other things, too. I learned that there is a lot of work I need to do on myself to heal trauma. And, no, now is not the time to go through that aspect of my life here. Maybe one day. Eventually. Perhaps.
I also learned, eventually, that my cardiac issues have finally been diagnosed.
After 31 years.
I am relieved and grateful and the day I found out I laughed AND cried. I cried because FINALLY! I laughed because OF COURSE it had to be the rarest form of cardiomyopathy there is, and they still don’t know a lot about it, and sure, maybe one day it may be the reason I die… but – EVENTUALLY I was diagnosed. My cardiologist and I had a good laugh, together, in celebration.
I have also learned that eventually, everyone gets sick of my shit. And by “shit” I mean my coping mechanisms for above eluded trauma. To be fair. I’m sick of my shit, too.
I have also learned that eventually I started to say, “I don’t know enough about that subject to make an informed comment.” Not only did I say it, I was thinking it, too.
The point is, that eventually we start to make decisions that are better and smarter for ourselves. Eventually, we come to the realization that we don’t have to keep repeating the same actions and thoughts we’ve been doing. Eventually, things start to make sense.
What has been your eventually moment?
The Amusing Muse is a writer, ‘rithmeticker, and reader who lives in South Central Wisconsin. It’s gardening season and her irises are blooming, asparagus has been growing inches in a day, and asparagus beetles have been getting picked and plunged into soapy water. She has also been hiking the Ice Age Trail and this year is hoping to get more than half of the segments hiked.
Clipart courtesy of Cliparts.co