Fancy Coffee Friday: Dirty Talk

Let me start off with saying, “Mom – cover your eyes.”  Now that that is out of the way…

I am not a fan of talking dirty.  Oh, I’m foul-mouthed to be sure and have said that I swear more that my dear friend who is a sailor, but “dirty talk” is beyond me.  When I watch movies where people talk dirty to each other, in person or on the phone, I squirm at the whole idea, and the uncomfortable nature of people pretending to be what they aren’t.  If it doesn’t roll right off the tongue, it’s not genuine and being the genuine person that I am, disingenuous behavior makes me uncomfortable.

Okay, Mom, you can uncover your eyes now.

That brings me to the other night.  There I was, in the garden picking beans and my mouth was watering at the thought of steaming those little, green beauties and tossing them in some melted bacon fat and with fresh thyme from the next bed over.  I looked at them lustily, craving their taste.  I wanted them in my mouth with a passion that was heated and which seared me to my very core.

And then I spied them.  Weeks ago they were tiny and cute, but now?  Now, they were bigger than I could hold in my hands.  I moved my eyes over them and whispered, “You are the most luscious melons I have ever seen.  Grow…. grow bigger… become sweet and juicy, for I must taste you.”  And I pictured myself burying my face into their seedless glory…. for I was growing watermelons this year and they had gone forth and reproduced.

But did it stop there?  Oh no.  Grape tomatoes had been coming of age for a few days and I’d been relishing them with abandon, but there it was…. a beefsteak-type tomato.  She was big, pink and slowly reaching the age of consent ahead of her estimated 15 pounds of sisters.  She was a German Queen, an heirloom variety and I gazed at her longingly and whispered, “Soon I will have you.”  My fingers lightly brushed her leaves and I felt a shudder and I began to hunger for her taste on a much deeper, far more inappropriate, level.

And then it occurred to me…. it wasn’t that I didn’t talk dirty, it was that I only talked dirty where I found it most fitting:  to the plants in my garden.  My fingers encased in nitrile-dipped gardening gloves as I pulled weeds and picked veggies from dirt I’d been farming for a few years, encouraging the plants to burst forth in an abundance of delicious produce.  I wiped another mosquito from my brow.  I licked my lips as I picked up my bowl of green beans.  Soon…. very soon, they would be mine. My conquest would be complete.

And now I smell like tomato and cilantro… all I need is a little jalapeno and you can call me Pico de Gallo!  A spicy little number.

About The Amusing Muse

Deep thinker whose mind operates at warped speed. Philosopher pondering the big (and little) things in life. Storyteller. Office Ninja. Model. Teller of bad jokes. User of big words.
This entry was posted in Blogging, Fancy Coffee Friday, Gardening, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Fancy Coffee Friday: Dirty Talk

  1. You had me chuckling here, because I’m a man who enjoys a nice plate of veg straight from the garden, and you bought that whole experience to life 🙂

  2. John says:

    Let’s just say that you have my mind (and other parts) racing 🙂

    I roasted cauliflower in bacon fat the other day . . . and this weekend? I’m planning a nice little tomato orgy.

    • Mission accomplished!

      Roasted cauliflower in bacon fat? Holy bejeezus! I might be able to get Mr. Muse to at least TRY that dish. “But Mr. Muse… it’s been roasted in bacon fat!”

      • John says:

        Curious if you call him Mr. Muse at home 🙂

        The last time I made it, I tossed the cauliflower in olive oil and roasted at 400 for 20 minutes. Then I added half a pound of bacon to the baking tray and cooked for another 20 minutes (tossing the cauliflower ever 20 minutes, to maximize bacon fat saturation). Best part was, at the end, I had roasted cauliflower AND bacon ready-to-eat.

  3. Nothing wrong with a little food porn in the morning.

  4. Had me laughing.
    Garden Slut.

  5. Jim and Becky says:

    How can one leave a comment on this one, and not be creepy?

    I read this out loud to my wife, with the appropriate, breathy, sexy voice. She was in stitches. I really ought to do voice overs.

    Hope you and Mr. Muse make it out to CA sans convention sometime, we’d like to take you to Yosemite, Tahoe, the beach, and wine country.

  6. sassycoupleok says:

    For years there have been those who have combined food with sex! Oh just one minute, sex wasn’t mentioned here only the innuendos, how clever my friend. A spicy number ? Yes you are both physically and mentally 🙂

  7. Doctor Quack says:

    There is nothing sexier than a garden-fresh tomato. The more grotesquely misshapen the heirloom, the sexier.

  8. She ate them both before she got out of my bean patch. 😦

  9. Jess Witkins says:

    I think that’s perfectly acceptable. I mean, a good bite of food can make anyone moan, right?

    • Eating good food has been known to make me dance in my seat after a moan of pleasure. Mr. Muse finds my “dinner & dancing” cute, or so he says, but it does make him laugh. Good food, it good food and should be enjoyed.

  10. sassycoupleok says:

    This conversation is making me moan……

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