Rituals. We all have them. Hourly, daily, nightly, weekly. You name it, we all have things, few or many, that we do on schedule. Sometimes events happen that cause us to skip or fail to fulfill these rituals that we have set for ourselves – so what happens when we do miss a ritual that we look forward to?
For me, it’s Fancy Coffee Friday, or in the event that I have off on Friday, Fancy Coffee Pre-Friday, aka Thursday. I look forward to stopping at my favorite coffee (and wine and cafe and gift) shop where the baristas know my order. The drive into work has me squirming in my seat with delight, anticipating that first sip of my Baby Grasshopper, or for us adults, a “Peppermint Mocha” (non-fat, no-whip…. sometimes with an extra shot). While I wait for my drink to be made I work on the crossword puzzle taped to the counter, filling in as many words as I can with surety. Pencil, pen, it doesn’t matter as I own that puzzle for those few moments that I am standing there waiting. (I’ve also dropped off a couple of my pens… you know, swag, while working on the puzzle. Marketing, Baby!)
However, for weeks now, I have foregone my Friday ritual. My unruly heart has left me overly sensitive to the effects of caffeine; just yesterday I had my first small cup of regular coffee in weeks and paid for it come evening with being “on edge” and anxious. My heart fluttered and skipped in my chest as I attempted to relax. One lorazepam later I was drifting off to bed while working on my addiction to Candy Crush Saga.
Today, on the drive home from work I confessed my sadness at not having my fancy coffee to Mr. Muse. He asked if they could make my preferred concoction decaffeinated and I lamented, “that’s like going to McDonalds and ordering three Big Macs and a diet Coke!” I don’t want to walk in and say to the baristas, “Hey, could you just brew that up decaf so my heart doesn’t explode?” I could walk into my cardiologist’s (that would be Dr. Awesome) office and said, “I NEED my coffee!!! Fix me!” But, then again, there may be nothing to fix. I’ve received no emergency, or even informational, calls regarding last weekends stint with the Holter monitor.
So for now, no caffeine. Camomile tea and the occasional adult beverage. Delicious gluten has already been cut out of my diet…. sure – why not caffeine, too.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
We all ask: Why does this happen to me when others can enjoy it with no ill affects? I already have had to make other sacrifices, why this too?
Just recently I’ve had to accept my body can’t/won’t digest a snack food I’d always purchased as my favorite “reward” when grocery shopping. Now going through the aisle now where the product is placed is still difficult and results in an internal debate: ‘Maybe it won’t bother me this time.’…’You know it always bothers you.’…But this time I could try to space out the portions I eat better.’…’You’ve made lots of changes and they always end with same result’….
Still, I can’t avoid looking even now to see if it’s there in the usual place and feeling a little bit sadder than when I started down the aisle.
Not to belittle the five stages of grief, but even for what seems a trivial issue like food or drink we can’t enjoy any longer without negative consequences we seem to go through all of the same stages until we reach acceptance. I haven’t quite got there yet, but I’m close. It sounds like you may be just beginning, so know if you persevere acceptance will come.
Thank you. I don’t know what stage I’m at to be honest. Is frustration a stage? I don’t remember. That’s mostly what I’m feeling – just frustration. Though, today while I was grocery shopping I did pick up some Tulsi and Sweet Rose tea to enjoy.
And… there is always my adult beverages.