I am a piece of work. Self-exploration into the inner workings of what makes me, “Me,” has been something I have done since a young age. One of the few vivid memories of Catholic Grade School is having my knuckles rapped with a ruler for asking, “Why?” The nun told me the answer to my question was, “…because I said so,” and then she told that I should stop asking questions.
Her explanation didn’t work then and it still doesn’t work now. My need-to-know dogged pursuit of satisfactory answers was not exclusive to matters taught in textbooks, but branched out into all manner of human interaction. Poor Mr. Muse was, and still is, repeatedly subjected to rounds of, “Why do you want to be in a relationship with me,” even after nearly 20 years of knowing me. I even ask friends why they choose to be my friend.
I’ve questioned my Catholic upbringing and beliefs, why it was okay for native peoples to run around naked when everyone I knew couldn’t, and didn’t, and even why I choose to wear a particular pair of socks on a given day. I am always questioning even if not vocally. The perpetual salvos are shooting around my brain on seek-and-destroy missions to find answers to my “Why’s”. The most pressing “Why,” for which I am working on ferreting out the answers is:
Why do I seem to be afraid to succeed?
I imagine all of your faces as you read that, confused, an eyebrow raised, perhaps even your jaw agape. Afraid to succeed? I ask myself that question, and many similar others, all of the time and I don’t have an answer I like.
Perhaps I am afraid that success will mean I will have more responsibilities piled onto me and I won’t be able to deliver. If I’m unable to deliver, that means I’m a failure. Of course, the fact that if I don’t try I will still fail anyway, ironically, does not escape me. Oh you doubled-edged sword of self-doubt!
My evolutional path has probably been walked millions of times before by people around the globe. They realize that there is some meat on the bones of their dream-beast they are wont to pursue, but they are unsure if they have the skill to capture it. The skill, the tools, the ability; do I have those things and the tenacity for the hunt? I want to find out and give it a try.