In your FACE!… Oh. In MY face… oh… I see.

The call came this morning from the doctors office… While the gluten testing came back negative, I was told that I need to begin going gluten-free AND dairy-free; easing into the gluten-free so the system isn’t shocked.

Fuck.

Yep.  That’s right.  It’s a BIG EFFING DEAL!  I’m a FOODIE for Pete’s sake!  I like food.  Scratch that – I love food!

I was going to go out and run errands during my lunch break and thought that I’d hit some place for food.  I’d already begun cutting out dairy, but this gluten-free news, though I felt it was coming at me eventually, was like a punch to the gut (or maybe that’s just indigestion).

I thought to myself, “If only there was a thing called the Internet… where I could look up vital information like safe menu choices at fast food restaurants…”  HUZZAH!  Al Gore created it!  (not really… that’s a joke that has been going around for a long time)

Anyway, I find a list of fast food stops and their gluten-free-friendliness.  Top of the “friendly” list is Wendy’s and Arby’s…. and all the way down at the bottom is:  KFC.  The Colonel.  The don’t-eat-here-because-it’s-all-“glutinafied” (it’s a word… I wrote it.)  This will be the start of my “easing into gluten-free”.

My lips curled into a mischievous grin.  KFC.  NOT gluten-free-friendly (maybe it’s all that breading)… A last hurrah.

I go out.  I stop at KFC.  I order the KFC bites, wedges and a Pepsi.  I pop those hot, steamy, little chicken chunks into my salivating maw with abandon.  I burn my mouth.  Hot little suckers…  And they were so delicious…

And then they weren’t; and the wedges, tasting like the wedges always do, just started to taste…. less than.  My brain and digestive system (DS) were having a discussion.

Brain:  These are DELICIOUS!

DS:  No…. they aren’t; they’re coated in flour and who knows what… you’re going to feel shitty.

Brain:  Surely this small amount will have no affect on me.  You’re made of steel, stomach!

DS:  Well, no… actually, all of us are pretty fleshy and now that we know what to watch for, yeah… we’d prefer if you stop eating that stuff sooner rather than later.

Brain (feeling a bit sheepish and immature now):  But… but… these are… Delicious…. You love KFC.

DS:  Yeah, you’re saying that wrong.  We loved KFC, past tense… until we found out what was most likely the reason for us not feeling well.  But, since you appear to be ignoring our request, don’t say we didn’t warn you.  You have about 10 minutes until you’ll feel like crap.

Brain (on the verge of tears):  but… this was supposed to be our last hurrah…  at KFC.  Because it’s….delicious.

And there you have it.  My last “hurrah” at KFC… my “In your FACE, KFC and your gluten-y goodness!” turned into fast food having a last laugh on me.

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About The Amusing Muse

Deep thinker whose mind operates at warped speed. Philosopher pondering the big (and little) things in life. Storyteller. Office Ninja. Model. Teller of bad jokes. User of big words.
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4 Responses to In your FACE!… Oh. In MY face… oh… I see.

  1. I am sorry to hear they are pointing to gluten. Unfortunately that seems to be the catch all today for anything wrong at least in your case the symptoms seem more realistic than a list I saw that in addition to all the various digestive ailments they were including ADD and Depression. My wife and I have talked about this issue a lot, especially after a friend of ours claimed to be gluten intolerant and that was why she was depressed. The fact that her and her husband had just scattered all of their possessions in various friends houses and had no home while they waited to go to India for him to do his ‘research’ which was going to be paid for on student loans and credit cards couldn’t have been the cause of her depression. (heavy sarcasm there) Please understand I have know many including my sister-in-law that suffer from gluten intolerance and in their cases it is the digestive, bloating type of symptoms. It does exist but my lovely wife and I wondered and what we found is that the wheat that is so prevalent today contains much more gluten today then it did in our parents or grandparents day and this is do to the work of Dr Norman Borlaug who won the noble peace prize for this work. I am not slamming him, his work was an effort to feed the world and unfortunately like what happens too often we have side effects to the results. Honestly if the only place we consumed this new wheat was in our bread we probably would not have a problem but as you have seen wheat is everywhere, so is corn, soy and some form of dairy. Our efforts to try and cook more and eat healthier is not as successful as we would hope. We are looking into growing our own heirloom grains in an effort to control the GMO foods in our diet. I hope you find a solution to your issues that allows you to enjoy the foods you love.

    • I agree that the wheat grown at present has a much higher gluten-content than wheat grown in the past. There are a lot of different paths to take, Paleo Diet, “Wheat Belly” Diet, just going “gluten-free” (but eating the same amount of “baked goods” – just minus the gluten). Reading about the Paleo Diet combined with the “Wheat Belly” Diet left me a bit bewildered, but honestly it makes sense – evolutionarily-speaking, humans have only been eating grains a short amount of time. One site for Paleo said to imagine human evolution and what we’ve been eating as a football field, we’ve only been consuming grains in yard 99. Up until then, we’ve eaten meats, fish, shellfish, fruits, vegetables and nuts.

      Some argue “Paleo man often died in their 40’s!” That’s true, but they didn’t have healthcare like we do now, nor did they have a steady supply of food like we do now nor did they have comfortable living arrangements.

      As for symptoms, I was/am having the usual associated with gluten intolerance and lactose intolerance: gas (usually quite painful), bloating, frequent/urgent trips to the bathroom, nausea, cramping, unexplained skin rashes, eczema, etc. I thought feeling all those things was “normal”… and would just chalk it up to “must be something I ate”. And it WAS something I was eating, but I finally saw all the symptoms as a whole.

      A former coworker of mine has had to switch her household over to gluten-free because her husband and two sons all have Celiac Disease. I’m lucky in that I don’t have Celiac, so my reaction is probably not as severe as those who do have it. One of the problems with gluten intolerance is that there are over 300 symptoms associated with Celiac Disease and gluten intolerance and allergies to wheat. It’s hard for doctors to pinpoint what exactly their patients are suffering from due to the vast number of symptoms.

      I think I’ll be experimenting with a mish-mash of the Paleo and Wheat Belly diets in combination with gluten-free baking on occasion. Since I also have lactose intolerance, many items will be Vegan in nature – though I won’t be giving up meat myself.

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