I’m not cool.  Well, I’m cool but I’m not cool.  Nope… not italicized cool or capital ‘C’ Cool.  I was thinking about this the other day because it seems that lots of people I know have a Twitter account, and I don’t.  Even Super Fantastic Gutter Company has a Twitter account (which I’m in charge of… and that reminds me….).

Okay, updated Super Fantastic Gutter Company’s Twitter account.  Now that that is out of the way, back to the ways I’m not cool:

No Twitter account.  Updates of “The dog just farted and scared herself”, “Damn, broke another fingernail!” or “Help!  I didn’t make sure there was TP in the bathroom stall!” just don’t seem like my thing.  Okay – they are, but does the Twitter world need to know how much of a dork I am?  (04/15/2012 UPDATE:  Even Betty White is on Twitter!)

I do not own a “Smart Phone”.  No, I don’t.  I have what I affectionately call a “semi-Smart phone” and I don’t even have a name for it.  It’s a Samsung Gloss – a feature phone – in pink.  It’s a square little flip phone that when I set it on the table at restaurants, people ask if it’s birth control. “Why Yes!  Yes that IS my birth control!  Thanks for noticing.  In fact – I’m one of those “sluts” you hear the Republicans speak of.”

I am not part of the iPad craze.  I don’t have one.  I’ve seen them.  I’ve played with other people’s iPads.  I don’t own one – they don’t seem to be able to keep up with my ADHD multi-tasking.

I don’t have a tattoo… not an “ass hat”, neck tat or tattoo on my foot.  I do like tattoos but, just like any long-term relationship… I have committment issues.  Will I really feel the same way about it in a year as I do right now?  At least body piercings can be removed.

I don’t get “reality tv”.  On those occasions that I choose to watch television, I want to be entertained – not stressed out.  The supposed “entertainment value” of these reality shows is lost on me.

The sunglasses I wear most often are the polarized, wrap-around and go over my eyeglasses version.  I have friends who refer to these as my “old-lady-cataract-surgery-sunglasses”.  They’re awesome… the sunglasses that it (okay, my friends too).

I don’t understand “duck face & peace sign” photos by young women with peroxide-fried “blonde” hair and oompa-loompa orange skin.  Really?  What about that image is attractive?

I don’t have long fingernails.  The closest I get are the fake acrylic nails that I glue on for some photo shoots, and believe you me – I can’t get them off fast enough.  Have you ever had to do actual work with fake nails on?  Even traveling with those suckers on is miserable.  I’d rather have well-manicured short nails any day.

Speaking of hands… mine aren’t attractive.  I will never be a hand model.  I do a lot of work with my hands.  They’ve got scars, they dry out and according to one photographer friend, they look “like the hands of a fishwife“.  One day I’m going to take a portrait of my hands (or have him do it) so people can see how AWESOMELY hard-working my mitts are.

I have never purchased a pair of blue jeans for more than $45.  Even that was hard to swallow, but I told myself to bear in mind the cost per use… if I wore them at least 3 times per week, for 52 weeks a year for at least 3 years, the cost per use was only $0.10/wearing.  Okay… I can handle ten cents…  I still have that pair.  I’m wearing them at the moment… it’s been about five years and down to $0.06 per wearing.

I am lost when it comes to most television show references… I was told that I was a slacker because I have never seen an episode of Law & Order.  I think they should be happy I that know the show exists…

I don’t watch sports unless it’s live and in person.  That’s right, I’m the person during the three Super Bowl parties I was invited to, asking, “What does that mean?  Why are they kicking?  What is the deal with the switching the teams out?”  I’d rather PLAY a sport than watch it.

Pinterest.  I don’t get it.  I’m not involved with it (yes, people can share my blog on it – why would I not allow that?), it doesn’t interest me.  Like my stacks of clipped recipes… how many of these things are people ACTUALLY going to do?

Okay, that’s enough talk about my uncoolness… there are uncool things to get done.