So, as my post yesterday began, I have had some drama recently. Well, more than just a little bit, but some drama I can’t do anything about and I won’t go into it here. The other drama that I CAN do something about I’ve been pondering for most of the last work week. I have a friendship that I’ve worked at for a few years. The friendship began in a chat room, and I’ve never met this person face-to-face. I have other friendships that started this way, and have continued going strong for years. This friendship seems to require an extraordinary amount of effort. So, does my effort equal the return? I’m just not sure it does.
I’ve pondered this same thing about this same friendship a few times over the years. This is the only friendship I’ve had that things aren’t easy. I never feel comfortable and keep wondering when I’ll get cold-cocked. It feels like running a marathon and when the end is in view, I get tripped, kicked, covered in road rash and two black eyes. I never get to the finish line. I eventually get up, but the finish line has been moved, so, I have to start over again.
You know the definition of Insanity…. doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. This isn’t a case of “all bad” either. There have been some good conversations had. Warning Bell right there… don’t all abused people in every form say, “But there were some good times”?
So if its bad enough that I’m considering ending the friendship, what’s holding me back? My biggest stumbling block is, I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. That’s how I ended up in the situation I’m in now. I accepted what was happening because of the few times things were going well. I can think of all kinds of things to say that would release any anger or angst I have toward someone, but they rarely make their way to being voiced. I found myself realizing this week that this friendship involved emotional manipulation. I’m very good spotting it if it happens to someone else. Isn’t that always the case? When it comes to myself, I just didn’t catch on. Until now. And now I’m angry, in a “How dare you!?” kind of way.
Hmm, now that I’m at the end of writing this post, I can answer that question of whether effort equals returns. It doesn’t. I made the decision to stop trying to run this marathon. There are so many others out there where I will actually cross the finish line.